Come post any jokes here ^^

Condom says to Kotex,
'When you work, I lose seven days of business.'

Kotex replies, 'If you fail to work once, my business stops for nine months

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A camel and an elephant met, and the elephant asked: 'Why do you have your tits on your back?'

The camel responded: 'What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face!'

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A black guy and a white girl met at a nite club. She took him to her apartment and said: 'tie me to the bed and do what black men do best!'

so he ran off with the TV and VCD...

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Wife: 'I wish I were a newspaper, so you can hold me every morning!'

Husband: 'I wish you're a newspaper TOO, my dear so I can have a NEW ONE every morning!

===========================

A Chinese couple got married. When baby was born, her eyes were big and blue, hair was curly and blonde, skin was brown.

Finally, name of the baby was SAM TING LONG ('some thing wrong')

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A lady visited her doctor one morning.

Doc said: 'You look so weak and exhausted! Are you eating your meals 3 times a day as I advised?

Lady : 'Doc, I thought you said 3 males a day!'

============================

Phone rings and maid picks up the phone as her master is bathing.....

When the caller asked what's he doing, the maid Replied: 'MASTURBATING.'(master bathing)


=======================================

A customer went to snack bar and ordered a hamburger.

When 20 minutes had gone and his food hadn't arrived, the irritated customer asked the waiter.

Customer: Will my hamburger be long?

Waiter: No, sir...it will be round.

******************************************************

Diner: Waiter, look at this chicken, nothing but skin and bones.

Waiter: What else do u want, feathers?

Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!

Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.

Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!

Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?

******************************************************

Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?

Waiter : Sit down, sir,we serve anyone.

******************************************************

Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?

Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?

Customer : No, I can't.

Waiter : Then does it really matter?

******************************************************

Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.

Waiter : Yes Sir, they are not very good swimmers.

******************************************************

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.

Waiter : That's all right, Sir, he won't drink much.

******************************************************

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.

Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

******************************************************

Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea cup?

Waiter : I wouldn't know, Sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

******************************************************

Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.

Waiter : Funny? But why aren't you laughing?

******************************************************

Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.

Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.

******************************************************

Ben: These ice-cream are too expensive

John: Stop complaining and pay with a smile.

Ben: I wish I could but the man insists on cash!

******************************************************

Almost bald man: Why do u always charge me double?

You ought to charge me cheaper for I don't have much hair!

Barber: No, no! We don't charge for cutting the hair! We charge for having to search for it!

******************************************************

New prisoner comes to prison cell.

Convicts: What has happened with you that you are here?

Prisoner: I have broken a window on my job place.

Convicts: It's unbelievable! Where did you work?

Prisoner: On a submarine.

******************************************************

Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?

Father : No. Why do you ask that?

Son : Well, where did you get mummy then?

******************************************************

Lady: Is this my train?

Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company.

Lady: Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to Kuala Lumpur.

Station Master: No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

******************************************************

Peter: What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots!

Kirk: Yes it's really strange. I' ve got another pair of the same at home.

******************************************************

Teacher: Peter, why are you late for school again?

Peter: Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.

******************************************************

Wife: Do you want dinner?

Husband: Sure, what are my choices?

Wife: Yes and no.

******************************************************

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'

Second Guy: 'You're fortunate, mine's still alive.'

******************************************************

The girl asked her lover, 'Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?'

'Sure,' replied her lover 'What's your phone number?'

******************************************************

A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.

The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, 'Order, order.'

The drunkard immediately responded, 'Thank you, your honour, I'll have a scotch and soda.'

*****************************************************

Customer: If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Penang in two days time?

Post Master: Well it might do.

Customer: I bet you, it won't.

Post Master: Why not?

Customer: It's addressed to Johor.

*****************************************************

An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.

'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keepforgetting things.'

'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.

'How long has what been going on?' said the man.

*****************************************************

Girl : Do you love me?

Boy : Yes Dear.

Girl : Would you die for me?

Boy : No, mine is undying love.

*****************************************************

1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!

2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.

1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.

*****************************************************

Man : How old is your father?

Boy : As old as me.

Man : How can that be?

Boy : He became a father only when I was born.

*****************************************************

Teacher : Correct the sentence, 'A bull and a cow is grazing in the field'

Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field

Teacher : How?

Student : Ladies fi rst.

*****************************************************

Little Susie came running into the house after school one day, shouting,

'Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!'

'That's great, Sweetheart,' said her daddy.

'Come in to the living room and tell me about it.'

'Well,' began the confession, 'I got 50 in spelling, 30 in maths and 20 in science.'

*****************************************************

Man : Where are you from?

Woman : U.S.A

Man : Are you here on vacation?

Woman : No lah! I'm here for lunch.

Man : What!!! All the way from United States of America!!!

Woman : No lah! Upper Serangoon Avenue.

Man : !!@#$%

******************************************************

Two young boys were having their morning breakfast, consist of hot chocolate and cereal. As they almost finish their meal, the younger of the two headed for their aquarium, his hand full of cereal. Just before he feed the turtles and the fish, h is mother came into the room.

'Don't do it, Kamal',she said.'They'll die.'

The boy's face turned pale and throw his mother a desperate look, 'Then why did you give it to us?'

hamliomusica wrote:

haha..catherine got so scary mer?lol

tat day she shoot Mr.Jack ><
JACK

haha..she look fierce oni, but when she speak, her voice like very manja de leh..that's wat i feel la..

haha..
i oso felt dat..

haha..yeah..got 1 person agree with me liau..

ANCIENT got manja voice..lol

really de lei..

jolyne wrote:

really de lei..

haha..kk..i know u agree with me d..
lol..any1 else agree?

hehe...who else agree???

actually, 2day i only realise abt her manja voice lo..

i wonder what will her reaction be when she c this posts..

'I DUNNO' reaction lor..
haha..

i think her sentence will be> I DUNNO my voice will manja de la..
haha..jo, i'm thinking of open a vote to vote cat's manja voice?agree ma?keke

agree agree..
u open la..

haha..err..k la.i "try" ba..:p..quite lazy to do it lo..
anyway, got new added smilies in > smilies 2.

haha...lazy but u post d ma...
haha...okok..

haha..lazy cuz now i'm slpy ma..lol

go sleep la..

lol..come on..back to topic..post any jokes here!!!

THE MANJA ANCIENT VOICE, but i vote for JJ's joke post, BEST JOKE OF THE MONTH!! GOOD JOB!! BAHAHAHAH

Wyekeat wrote:

THE MANJA ANCIENT VOICE, but i vote for JJ's joke post, BEST JOKE OF THE MONTH!! GOOD JOB!! BAHAHAHAH

haha , thx ya =)

"Abbot and Costello 101"

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER

FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some straight answers! What about financial. You have anything I can track my money?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsof t gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A few days later . . . . . . .

ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START" !!!!!

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court.
But the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge
that since she had brought the children into this world, she should
retain custody of them.
he man also wanted custody of his children.
The judge asked for his side of the story too.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and
replied:
"Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi
comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine? "
The man won.

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is
installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE &
FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate
steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

OMIGOSH! SEXISM!

haha..i get from website nia..not me sexist la.